Diagnosed at 42: what 20 years of undiagnosed ADHD look like
It is 2003 and I am sitting across from a young psychologist barely older than me. A camera is recording us, because she is still new and being supervised. I tell her about the book I've just read, 'Driven to Distraction', and how much I see myself in it. It is the reason I made the first appointment. We end up having several sessions together and eventually she presents the verdict to me: "You definitely do not have ADHD!"
It took some 20 more years to find out she was wrong.
The 20-year gap
I always knew I was different. Even as a child I already had many moments in my life where something happened or a thought occurred in me that showed me that I am not like the others around me.
A friend once told me that I do not need to always say what I think after I spit out my real opinion about his new glasses instead of wrapping it into a polite response.
During classes I would always get bored and just glide into a land far away in my thoughts and just stare out the window, until the teacher brought me back into the class room.
My memory would often not allow me to remember even simple things, even if they were important. As soon as something was out of sight, it was out of mind, as the saying goes.
I could tell you dozens, maybe hundreds more stories about all kinds of situations, but they would just read like Dr. Hallowell's book: describing an adult with ADHD.
A new discovery at 40
I was in Chiang Mai in Thailand when I met a guy randomly at a co-working/co-Living space I was staying at back then. One evening a bunch of guys sat together and we talked about all kinds of topics. He came in through the main door, a bag with drugs in his hand and asked if he can sit with us.
One of the others could not wait to ask what he was taking. Turns out it was Ritalin. He told us about his concentration issues and that the doctor suggested Ritalin because of it. We chatted for quite a while. Someone else threw in the thought that they are usually used for ADHD.
There it was again. This buzzword: ADHD! I almost forgot about it. Or rather: forced myself to forget about it since I was told that that is not my issue.
The curious guy from earlier said he heard about it too and asked if he can try one of those since he also had massive issues with concentration. Since it is not a prescription medicine in Thailand, he was ok to share one of them: 5mg of Ritalin. I got one too, I was too curious to not try it out. It didn't matter to me what the diagnosis is, but concentration was one of my biggest issues.
The next day I went into the co-working area around noon, sat down and unpackaged my backpack as usual. Then I took out the tablet, looked at it and thought to myself "Let's see if this does anything!?". Then I took it.
As with all medication, it takes a while to work and I've taken enough drugs in my life to know that, so I didn't expect anything to happen right away. But that should change very, very soon.
It did not even take 15 minutes until I noticed something happening to my brain. I could not really identify what felt different but I knew there was something different.
And after maybe 20 minutes it fully hit me. My brain stopped. It didn't spin and think anymore. I was present. Just present. I mindfully noticed the tables and chairs around me, the walls and windows. I noticed cars and chatter outside. And even light rain. I was just ... present!
I remember reading an interview by someone who finished the Ironman triathlon in Frankfurt. He said "This moment, when you did the last lap and turn around the corner to see the finish and the red carpet, I cannot describe the feeling. The only way to understand it, is to experience it." And that is exactly the way I felt when I took Ritalin for the first time.
It hit me. And it hit me hard. Indeed, so hard that I almost started crying. Never ever have I been so calm and present in my life. Never ever have I felt so mindful and been able to just pay attention to the moment without instantly getting distracted by whatever the next thought might be.
From there on I started researching again to understand more about ADHD and Ritalin. And this time it took only a bit more than a year until something very important happened and I had another break through.
My late diagnosis in Taiwan
"Of course it had to be 42!" would my IT friends say now. And I am not even making it up but that's how old I was when my ADHD story actually progressed.
After my experience in Thailand and some more travelling around East Asia I ended up in Taiwan in October of 2024. The same year I went to a psychiatrist to talk about my experience with Ritalin, about ADHD, the book I read and much more.
I rolled out my full history, told her about any situation that I can think of where I felt weird or different. Everything that friends and family said to me, as far as I could remember.
This time I was talking to a more experienced psychiatrist, not even specialized in ADHD but the knowledge about it changed a lot in those 20 years since my first try.
And there it was! She concluded that I do indeed have ADHD and need Ritalin. I started with my regular prescription right away. A new journey in my life began!
Relief, grief, and why I'm writing this
On one side I felt a lot of relief that I finally found out what was "different" with me. But of course the overwhelming feeling was grief, sadness, disappointment.
I could have been diagnosed many years before already. I could have already been taking medication for a long time, would already know how to deal with my neurodiversity.
After 1.5 years of being medicated I finally also found a good psychotherapist and continued my therapy that I've done many times before in my life. But this time not because of depression but instead focused on ADHD.
And on this path I understood why my therapy sessions 20 years ago did not lead to the correct result: awareness! ADHD was, and still is, not as well known and researched as it should be. It is also not really easy to diagnose if not given enough information about the patient like a history of their childhood and many example events.
I am not mad or disappointed at my therapist from back then. Quite the opposite! She did her best and even her supervisor did not spot the subtle symptoms of my ADHD. Probably because I am the inattentive type, not the hyperactive one. And that is even harder to diagnose.
It is 2026 and the awareness about ADHD is still lacking. And that is why I am adding yet another blog to the many great ADHD blogs out there. Hoping that all our writing finds those with undiagnosed ADHD, undiagnosed ADHD children or undiagnosed pupils and they get help earlier in their life so that they do not have to experience what I went through for more than 40 years.
I would love to close this first article by quoting one of my favorite podcasts and YouTube channels ADHD Chatter:
"You are not broken; just different. And you have always been enough!"